When I got to the clinic today, I found out that two people had died in the ward last night. Gopi (name changed) died of anemia (of all things) because of the strong HIV drugs he was taking. The doctors had stopped that medication and were hoping to get a blood-transfusion from the government hospital soon. (We can't do blood-transfusion at our clinic). Because of all that red-tape, the blood-transfusion couldn't be done on time, and Gopi died.
Rahul (name changed) died a little while later. He was a really sad case. He had tried all sorts of tests to find out what was wrong with him, but nothing seemed to be medically wrong with him. Still, for some reason, he's had continuos fever for a whole year! Finally, AIIMS decided to give him a bone-marrow test (apparently the only test he hadn't taken all this time) a few days ago. Amidst all that hope of finding out what he could actually be suffering from, he died, awaiting the results of that test.
Sundar (name changed), the only staff here who's younger than me, is still in shock. (he's doing his BCom by correspondence and has to study when he goes home) Just a few days ago, his father died because of cancer. He came to office today (after a 2 day break) with a shaved head. He had to take care of the entire funeral himself, and at the same time be a shoulder for everybody in his family (including two sisters and a brother) to cry on. Whose shoulder will he cry on? The only person who used to listen to his problems was his dad, and now...
Listening to those who want me to 'stop doing that stupid HIV work and get a "better job"' because I can do so much better for myself, I feel nauseous.
There are people dying here. Orphans and widows wondering where they're going to get their next meal. Scared that their relatives would disown them and kick them out of their own homes. In places like these, a person does not just leave an emotional hole in his/her family when he/she dies. They also leave their families without money, or worse, with debt. Do I really deserve more than them? When God has given me the grace to be born in a great family with almost everything a young man like myself could want, how can I turn my back on someone who God has decided to not show so much favor on?
The bullies who tell me I can, and should do better for myself (because "What will you do when you have a family?" "You'll be fine now, you're still young, but what will happen when you grow old?") confuse me and make me wonder if I should. Yes, this job is good, but is this the stream I want to continue in? Do I want to become a Director of a HIV/AIDS project? I don't know, but all I know is, right now I would rather be doing this than anything else. What I will become tomorrow or ten years from now is tomorrow's or ten-years-from-now's (or rather God's) problem. When I see others with an even more dense cloud of uncertainity around themselves, the fog around me immediately ceases to scare me.
