The Floating Leaf at peace

If you ever read my blog archive, you'd find that there are three or four posts with the same title, mostly wrestling with whether I need to live in the present or plan with the future in mind. The wrestling has always been taking place in the back of my mind, even when I don't write about it, but for the past 3-4 months, it has settled a lot toward focusing on the present. Wise words from a kurta-clad friend helped me feel at peace with this new development. 

If you've read/watched the "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior", (and if you haven't, I strongly suggest you do) you'd remember the philosophy of 'staying in the present'. Everything that matters is right now. Obviously, I fell in love with the philosophy when I heard it and some of you who know me would say that I tend to go overkill this one. I have always felt an existential ease with the process, and I have been the most productive when I am at peace with the uncertainty of the future, and even now, I feel that I may not have many regrets, if I get the chance to grow old and look back at my life. 

But even when I make it my purpose to work one day at a time, there are times I tend to get thrown off this philosophical horse. Mostly it's because of the overflowing emotions that I am learning to control. The first one is obviously panic. When I suddenly lift my eyes toward the future and have the swirling mist blind me and the well-meant yet discourgaging voices of those I trust and respect, I tend to lose focus on the present and begin to worry about the tomorrow, and at the end of the day, get frustrated with how I've handled the past, leading to this horrible vicious cycle that throws me into this rut making me unproductive and useless. 

The second, and more subtle (and therefore more vicious) way I lose control is to count chickens. When everything is going right with the present, I guess it's human nature to project the graph toward the future and imagine the future. The future; what was once a misty void now seems to be a paradise. The danger with this thinking that comes so naturally to us is the amount of happy hormones wishful thinking releases, making us not want to get out of that happy world. The moment we begin to count chickens, however, we tend stop working toward the goal we projected so beautifully. (To be clear, this is different for those of you who work with a dream in hand. Who work toward something you desire and overcome the odds to achieve the utopia in your head.) It does take intense effort on my part to stay focussed on being as useful as possible in the present. 

Well, just an update on the floating leaf: more to come :)

Are we born snobbish?

The contents from this post is a result of a few insightful conversations with sensible people. Therefore, thank you, sensible people.You'll know who you are. (The post is not polished, and the chances of me editing it is rare.)

Ever since I got immersed in to the (non-activist) leftist movement at JNU, I have always tried to open my ears to the voices of the poor and the oppressed. I try to look out for those that 'fall between the cracks' by either blending in too much or by being too silent. The orphan and the widow; the bonded laborer, the HiV victim cannot find the words to express their distress. They have been taught to scream silently, so that people like ourselves wouldn't hear them when we walk over them. And while there are a few who take advantage of their weakness and snatch from them what little they have, the rest of us either choose not to look in that direction, or mumble a prayer before deleting the memory off our head. I however, try to keep my eyes peeled and my ears dirt-free so I can catch the slightest whimper to either pray for or do something about it. Or so i thought...

I now realize that I am far-sighted; oblivious to the problems budding in my own college campus, just until a prophetic friend pointed it out to me. There is an entire set of people in my own college that look at me as a hi-fi person. As someone brought up in several urban settings, with (relatively) extensive computer knowledge, and who calls English his heart-language, I get a status of being one of 'those' 'hi-fi' people, while the 'normal' or 'simple' people born in a rural or poorer urban set-ups do not relate with me. There are other people who refuse to converse in English, but  can understand it, and I don't make a move to get to know them. Well, we can't blame anyone for that; we all have our different wavelengths and areas of interest, and it is these that define who our friends are. 

But this obsession with sticking with 'my own kind' is the beginning of the polarization of our campus, where people form different cliques based on their ethnicity and class-status. Everybody has their own comfort zone. But this gradual increase in the chasm between cliques deafens our ears to any cry from help from outside the group. Even Facebook doesn't effectively bridge the class/ethnicity divide between groups in our campus. The Lord, who's eyes range throughout the earth looking for a heart committed to Him and His mission for the 'orphan' and the 'widow' would reject us; who refuse to lift our head outside our comfort-group-huddle and take a look around now and then.

But why is it that we don't look outside our group? Because it involves a sense of insecurity of thinking differently from those within. Thinking differently from the group could lead you to a slow exile from the group itself. But in order to stand between the gap for the poor and the oppressed such small sacrifices will have to be made.

Negotiating Spaces

This post has been sitting in the waiting-room of my head for quite a while now! (Thanks Subbu!)

I'm writing this post at 6:30am. The only reason why I got up so early in the morning was that I need to finish an assignment by 7:30am. Unfortunately, my mind seems to be interested in other things and my stomach seems to be uninterested in the Tea I just drank, so I might as well play along. (Hope no professor sees this :P)

Fourth month into SAIACS, and back to complete health (thanks for all your prayers! TB has finally said good-bye) I am back in business! 4-5 hours of sleep everyday, and lots and lots of incomplete to-do lists in hand. I'm loving it! Though, interestingly, this was not the reason why I joined here in the first place! 

When I decided to join a Bible college, it was basically to take time off and learn about God and myself. To have a contemplative two years after which I should have figured out which direction I should be headed. So the fact that we get huge single-seater rooms, good food and excellent academic stimulation in this Bangalore periphery made me apply. Interestingly (though not surprisingly) things have been way different than planned.

This being the third campus I've lived in is more crammed than the first two. People literally piling on people. All sense of anonymity is lost. People would come to know how many times you've used the loo that week, and for some sadistic reason, will pass on the information! And though I have a single room, its prime location in the hostel makes it an ideal storage-space for all the day-scholars and a good hang-out for hostelites. This meaning, all sense of privacy is lost! And in the words of a dear professor of mine, we need to learn to just 'negotiate our spaces'. 

Though I'm ripping her phrase off her context, we've been playing with these words for quite sometime, and they have proved to be useful. The fact that we are packed like sardines in a can explains that we need to learn to negotiate our spaces of anonymity; basically trying not to tread on other's toes and sharpening our filtering systems (yeah, the ones that make sure we don't drop our guard let out important secrets). We also learn to negotiate spaces of priority. 'Is my academics more important? or is it that friend that needs my help?' 'Will I lose both rabbits if I chase them at the same time?' 'Or will I get both mangoes with the same stone?' We learn to negotiate spaces of self-images 'Should I care of what people think?' or 'Should I just learn to be myself?' It's interesting that after so many years in closed campuses, I find that I'm learning these things for the first time! With this lack of human 'space' in this huge sparsely populated campus, we have to learn to negotiate our spaces in order to live a sane life. 

 

Philosophy of the Present, and it's uselessness

I was in the middle of reading Badiou's discourse in the Badiou-Zizek's Philsophy in the Present, an ebook I picked up on random after hearing of Zizek's interesting views on society from the angry ol' man. Badiou had just finished outlining his three rules of incommensurable entities; or something like that, when I heard shouting in the house nearby.
A typical fight between husband and wife, I thought. Something I've grown cold listening to every night. But tonight (may be it being a Saturday night?) the husband was home drunk. Soon the wife started shrieking, and seconds later, she burst into loud wailing. The banging of their front door reverbrated through the corridor we share, and angry footsteps walked past my door, leaving behind silence, interrupted by sobs.
The footsteps walked back to the door,and the shouting resumed. Longer, this time, with the woman shouting louder and angrier, but sadly from behind my closed door I could hear the brokenness and defeat in her voice.
A baby had also started crying in the background, and both parents began to take their frustration on the child. The argument stopped and someone turned up the TV volume. Laughter and joke cracking erupts around the corridor, and the baby's wails have turned into confused laughter and sobs at the same time.
Sitting on my bed, I fought with thoughts of going outside and glaring at the man. Another good friend had warned me that I was no wrestler, and the very thoughts of chivalry were dissolved in a good dose of fear. It was when Badiou suddenly lost all relevance in life.

(Non-pseudophilo geeks pl skip this)
Well I could bring out the incommensurable relationship of the continuity of a normal family life with the exception, namely today's fight, which breaks the rule of the general set-up. The incommensurable relationship where one makes a decision between two points of view (well, i can't assure you there were points of view; The wordless-yet-loud argument between husband and wife which does not get resolved. But what really is the relevance of this brilliant way of looking at things? Finding the characteristics of the universal doesn't make sense in a time like this!

Ok, I'm finished with the pseudophilo bs... I've had my fun :)

I couldn't understand what had happened but I don't think what happened there was right. But I cannot pin-point who's at fault. I cannot say what is to be done to make the situation okay. I cannot from my place even try to make this wrong situation right. Hence, I just witnessed something bad happen, and couldn't do anything about it.
The world in itself is full of 'bad' things happening on large and small scales. Most of the time, we can't get our head around it, let alone solve it. Why is it so hard? simply because we are a part of the problem we're trying to solve (making it a mystery, according to RZ) Don't you think the hope for us could only lie outside us?

Weighty issues

"Arrey Bhai Kaise ho? Theek toh ho, na? Pehle se bahut Kamzor lagte ho!" (Hey brother, how are you? You're okay, right? You look so much weaker than before!)
It was the second time I heard a statement on that issue today. Which sort of worries me. The last time I went home (which was not that long ago) I had lost around 6 kilos. Obviously due to the heat, stress, loneliness and indiscipline in eating, sleeping and hygiene. But I thought all of that was fixed when I went home for a break, where I had a recharge. Of course I did not put back all of the 6 kilos I had lost, but my weight had begun to increase again, setting my precedent for the new stretch of six months in Delhi.
It hasn't even been a month yet, but I guess I already have started on my downward weight slide.
The crazy thing is, from all the berating I got at home, I have actually made conscious decisions to eat sleep and exercise religiously. Heavy weight-training workouts everyday, good food, lots of fluids, and good sleep doesn't seem to help.
I take supplements, almonds, dates, and anything to help build me up, but my body still threatens to disappear into thin air one of these days.
Well, I've done my best. At least, in spite of all the weight-loss, I can still walk three kilometers in the hot sun without water and not feel tired. (Not that I do that on purpose to find out) I can still work throughout a stressful day only to get tired when it's time to shut down shop.
That's all I need for the moment. If a weak doped look is what I have to carry around, so be it. If God feeds the sparrows, I'm sure He'll find some time for me too!

The floating leaf - revisited

Well, this is more of a continuation with my previous post, The Floating Leaf. I got a lot of positive comments on this particular post, but that didn't do much to my feelings, volatile as they are. God hasn't let me down yet, and I've had a great time learning how to let my life completely into God's hands. The more I put myself into Him, the better I feel about myself and the world around me. Even though the latter thinks I've lost it completely.

I was speaking with a friend who recently decided to do everything what God wanted him to do. There was so much happiness in that person's voice, though he was still recovering from the shock of letting go of something he had been holding to himself for so many years. That overwhelming rush of freedom went through him as it did me when I made that decision many years ago.

Well, to me, I find it better to plan one day at a time instead of directing your life toward a larger goal. You don't have to go through so much of planning, all you have to do is give your best at the task at hand. Everything will fall into place in it's own time. Of course, there is that motion sickness you need to deal with, because this kind of life usually has steep drops and climbs. But once you're able to stomach it, God at the engine doesn't seem such a bad idea at all!

What if i stumble?

"He told me of a young couple he had married some years ago who had represented to him every ideal worth emulating. They embodied excellence to the youth of the church. B0th were preparing to practice medicine and were on sizable merit scholarships. As he had driven away in his car after performing their wedding ceremony, my host (the pastor) had rehearsed in his mind the grand occasion it had been; in all his years of ministry he had not seen a more radiant couple. He thrilled at the prospect of all that lay ahead of them.
"But then, like a shattered dream, only a few months into the marriage came a dreadful awakening. In the predawn hours of a wintry night the pastor's telephone rang, and a distraught voice begged him to come. The caller, the young man of such promise, kept stuttering the words, "I think I've killed her! I think I've killed her!" The minister hastily dressed and rushed over to the couple's home only to find the young woman lying lifeless in her bed and the young husband sobbing inconsolably at her side.
"What had happened? What had brought about this tragedy? After a long time of prying and pleading, the story was finally uncovered. Some weeks earlier this young woman had discovered that she was pregnant. With years of study ahead, neither of them had wanted to start a family so soon. This sudden turn of events unsettled all their plans, driving them desperately in search of a solution. They considered every option. Finally, words escaped her lips that she had never dreamed she would utter. "This is completely devastating", she said. "There is no other way but to abort this child if our careers are to survive."
"The very suggestion opened a deep rift between them. They were both known on their campus for their outspoken conviction of the sanctity of the child's life in the womb. They fervently believed that each unborn child had a right all its own. Now circumstances beyond their control had invaded their absolutes; 'fate' had threatened their autonomy. Conviction clashed with ambition, and they agonized over a private decision they hoped would never be betrayed in public.
"This is when she proposed her final solution. "Let's do this at home," she said. "You bring all the equipment we need to the apartment, and no one need ever know." As a young medical student, he felt this could be accomplished, and so they nervously laid meticulous plans for that fateful night. The young man was not yet fully trained in the administration of an anesthetic, and as he stumbled through the procedure he unwittingly gave her a much larger dose than he should have. His greatest fear became a ghastly deed, and he lost her. In panicky moments that followed, with trembling hands and a cry of desperation he reached for the telephone and uttered those remose-ridden words. "Pastor, please hurry and come to our apartment. I think I've killed her!"


The preceding passage was taken from Ravi Zacharias' book, Deliver Us from Evil. Though Zacharias aimed at a different effect to this incident, I was forced to look into my own life. My spiritual life, during the past few weeks have not been going on well. What started as a slow drift has begun to accelerate into an uncontrollable backslide. My Christian discipline is at an all-time low, and there hasn't been anything good I have been doing. I am ashamed of my own behavior. Though, more than once I have promised myself that I would change for the better, too much of time has passed.
I am so grateful to God that he has been so gracious to me. I have slipped over my own vomit over and over again. I (for the umpteenth time) have broken free from that light yoke Christ gave me and am once again working for the deciever. I have compromised on my principles over and over again. However, for this young couple, the guilt of one step backward has cost a woman her life and her husband a life-time of regret.
The message that all good Christians have been trying to spread through their words and lives could be erased by one single slip. If you look at me, I've been slipping too many times for comfort. What a burden am I to my Lord?

The lyrics to this song by DC Talk gives me hope...

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling

Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
You're up against a wall, it's about to fall
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that

I hear You whispering my name [You say]
"My love for You will never change" [never change]

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my God

Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?

The floating leaf

All of us have faced, sometime in our lives, the following question: 'Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?' Grr... When my grandad asked me that question, I did not have any idea on how to answer him. He called me a fool and a person with no aim in life. Mommy got a lot of reprimanding because she apparantly didn't 'raise me properly'. Hmm..

There was a time when I decided what i'll become. But every year, the ambition changed. At first, I wanted to be a missionary. Then I wanted to become a pilot, after which i wanted to become an astronaut, after which i wanted to become an astrophysicist, after which I wanted to be a psychologist, after that, i wanted to go into the media.

Right now, i'm doing my Masters in Sociology. I don't know what i'll end up as after I finish my 2 years of MA. And i don't really care.. God's in control...

And as usual, I'm the only one who 'doesn't really care'. Dad, mom, granparents, and the whole battalion of uncles and aunts are worried about what i'll be doing after I finish my Masters. The more money I make, and the bigger the house I have, the more i am worshipped. If i end up as a missionary, or a poor social-worker, i'm the butt of all malicious gossip.

But, (as usual) I don't care! If God wants me to be a not-so-rich guy, I'm ready to 'walk the line'. So, i've committed my future before God, and thus, I have no reservations of my own!! Right now, I'll give my all to the things He's called me to do.. Like study, take care of the cell group, and singing in the choir. I'm also learning a lot...