Negotiating Spaces

This post has been sitting in the waiting-room of my head for quite a while now! (Thanks Subbu!)

I'm writing this post at 6:30am. The only reason why I got up so early in the morning was that I need to finish an assignment by 7:30am. Unfortunately, my mind seems to be interested in other things and my stomach seems to be uninterested in the Tea I just drank, so I might as well play along. (Hope no professor sees this :P)

Fourth month into SAIACS, and back to complete health (thanks for all your prayers! TB has finally said good-bye) I am back in business! 4-5 hours of sleep everyday, and lots and lots of incomplete to-do lists in hand. I'm loving it! Though, interestingly, this was not the reason why I joined here in the first place! 

When I decided to join a Bible college, it was basically to take time off and learn about God and myself. To have a contemplative two years after which I should have figured out which direction I should be headed. So the fact that we get huge single-seater rooms, good food and excellent academic stimulation in this Bangalore periphery made me apply. Interestingly (though not surprisingly) things have been way different than planned.

This being the third campus I've lived in is more crammed than the first two. People literally piling on people. All sense of anonymity is lost. People would come to know how many times you've used the loo that week, and for some sadistic reason, will pass on the information! And though I have a single room, its prime location in the hostel makes it an ideal storage-space for all the day-scholars and a good hang-out for hostelites. This meaning, all sense of privacy is lost! And in the words of a dear professor of mine, we need to learn to just 'negotiate our spaces'. 

Though I'm ripping her phrase off her context, we've been playing with these words for quite sometime, and they have proved to be useful. The fact that we are packed like sardines in a can explains that we need to learn to negotiate our spaces of anonymity; basically trying not to tread on other's toes and sharpening our filtering systems (yeah, the ones that make sure we don't drop our guard let out important secrets). We also learn to negotiate spaces of priority. 'Is my academics more important? or is it that friend that needs my help?' 'Will I lose both rabbits if I chase them at the same time?' 'Or will I get both mangoes with the same stone?' We learn to negotiate spaces of self-images 'Should I care of what people think?' or 'Should I just learn to be myself?' It's interesting that after so many years in closed campuses, I find that I'm learning these things for the first time! With this lack of human 'space' in this huge sparsely populated campus, we have to learn to negotiate our spaces in order to live a sane life. 

 

Paradise

Never thought I'd get back to studying, but here I am, back to unreality. I remember crying myself to sleep on my first day in Delhi. Staying on top of a deserted house in a village that was famous for its dangerous gangs. It was quite traumatic in the beginning, to hear of thefts in nearby houses, and a theft in the very same house that I had just moved into. At that time I did not have any house-hold things, except for a rice-cooker. I tried cooking on my very first night there, and I gagged over and over while I tried to stuff the sticky rice in as fast as possible. I wasn't even used to eating alone! 

2 years (counting 5 months at home) in a life like that, where my worries were about stuffing money in socks when I walked home after 11 in the night, and how I would get up in the morning for work when I was forced to stay up all night because there was no electricity and the mosquitos that swarmed like the locusts during Moses' plague. 

Now, all I seem to worry about is not being able to keep in touch with friends and not being able to organize myself, and not be as productive as I should be. The food, the laundry, security problems and the company ot have fun with is taken care of! I am pampered in many ways. I hope I do well here. Must get my act together.

Where are you from?

Being a campus hopper all my life, I have found that the first few questions people ask you could tell you a lot about the atmosphere you're entering into. When I walked into my Std V class in Chennai for the first time, everybody said. "Which class do you belong to?" "Std V? Sec A? Right this way!" Do you know Tamil?, no? Are you a foreigner? Where do you live? Oh! How much is your rent?..." I got to answer all these questions on my first day at school, all of 9 years. But I (much later) figured out that they were bunch that hadn't seen anything outside Chennai. That last question told me how particular they were about the class-setup. Who was richer than the other, and why. 

When I moved to JNU, the question there was... "Which college did you study in last?" Obviously, trying to gauge your past education, and calculate your IQ based on that information. At Xaviers, it was a more happy-go-lucky kind, where one asks "What are your interests?" hoping you would have the same hysterical love for jive dancing, F-1 racing, or obscure modern poetry as they do. 

At SAIACS, the question is more primordial. "Where are you from?" People like myself, who have been travelling around do not have an accurate answer. I end up telling where my parents were from, which gives them some satisfaction. Somehow, as a person living in cosmopolitan areas all my life, the question shocks me. But it reveals a lot more. The asker, mostly someone stepping into a cosmopolitan environment for the first time in their life would prefer finding someone they could relate with better on a cultural level; mainly to help both asker and askee deal with the crazy cosmopolitan environment. It also helps build stereotypes about places and people. Put strange faces and behaviors into boxes. It is an amazing coping mechanism, helping the person adjust better if not used with caution. Stereotypes could become unproductive and racist if not handled with care.

Since 80% of the campus are exposed to such environments for the first time, much care must be taken to not step on anybody's toes. Just to know what the person's background is will let most people know where his toes are. e.g. whether the person eats pork, or whether he gets offended by sarcasm, etc. During my BA, I was thought about the evils of stereotypes, that could lead to racism, and how mean it is to ask questions based on ethnicity.  It's interesting how a little more basic (rather mundane) knowledge can help build (instead of break) relationships with strangers. 

5 Stages of Settling in

Every new place I go to, I unconsciously go through a few stages of settling in. Have you heard of the 5 stages of grief? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance? I have my own 5 stages for settling down in a new place. 

Stage 1 Getting a feel 

Being altogether new and all, I try to keep a low profile, while trying to find out as much as possible about the place, and the kind of people that are there. Introvert as I am, I will not talk much, be as polite as possible, and try to not  step on anybody's toes. Doing that in SAIACS was quite the challenge, because like a prof here once said, 'we're all crammed here like sardines'. So getting a feel, which usually takes 2 weeks, took me only one. I got to know many great people, and spotted my potential buddies, and I slowlly slipped to 

Stage 2 Getting comfortable

As the Tamil saying goes, the 'tail came out of the pants' (translated and paraphrased). I started getting bolder, pulling out my usual sarcasm, and getting to know people a little bit more. This is when I slowly stop missing my old friends and try to 'move on' to the new ones. This usually takes 2 months to complete. SAIACS tries its best to be welcoming to new-comers, trying to help us out in any way possible, from faculty to students. The weather speaks for itself, and the campus, with its rough stone railings, huge well-manicured lawn, cheerful people, croquet, cricket, football and music lures you into itself. Days go by quickly, as not much time is wasted. The rigorous academic schedule makes sure of that. After a slight initial complaining, I'm comfortable enough to get to know SAIACS a little more, pushing me into 

Stage 3 Disillusionment

This is where I am now. Since all campuses or places showcase themselves as the ideal spot to be in, and that it's only a closer view that actually reveals that it's impossible to be 'ideal', it pushes you into disillusionment. All those assumptions I made in Stage 1 and 2 slowly break-down when I see the darker reality of what's before me. Virtues I was so used to in other places are absent here. The people here are so different from what I thought they would be like. With SAIACS, it is how stories about you are made and how they come back to you modified and exaggerated. With JNU, it was the dirty dhabas, the disregard for professionalism and usage of time, the slow way things moved POed most of us, city-slickers that learned to split every second in two. This stage is a stage where decisions could be made. (observe the hi-lighted 'could') You could either quit, or, slowly and unwillingly shift into 

Stage 4 Paradigm shift. (Pun -tended)

I haven't got to this stage here at SAIACS, but I will soon get there, don't worry. I've done it before :P. In JNU, when I was so pissed with taking things slow, I learnt how to keep myself occupied, and think and meditate on things. I watched many movies, read many books, learnt to juggle, learnt to play the guitar a little better, made a crazy bunch of friends, danced for the first time. These things I couldn't have done without having all 24 hours of the day with just 2 hours required to stay afloat in class. At Dwarka, I learnt to cope with loneliness at nights with the movies, and random outings with friends, occasionally enjoying the adventure of walking into a dangerous village unarmed at 11pm!

Stage 5 Settling Down

Nothing much to explain here. Ever heard of the phrase "The City grows into you"? It's true with every new 'phase' on the planet! Just let yourself into the experience, while trying to stay away from the parts that conflict with your own values, and 'Bob's your uncle'!

I can't wait for Stage 5.

Exams

When I was in School, the days I dreaded the most were the ones when the teacher would decide to along distribute the corrected answer-sheets two days after any (not just the bad) exam. I would silently pray every day after a class test (even during High-School) that the teacher would not walk in carrying the bundle of corrected answer papers. God, (I imagine) figured it wise not to answer my prayer then by preponing in the Armageddon or less dramatically making my teacher accidentally burn only my paper; and thus, I clambered through school.
Today, again, after two years of blissfully not having to have my work graded, I am back to the going-to-class grind, therefore resurrecting all my child-hood phobias of receiving corrected papers.
What is it about receiving Marksheets that I don't like? When I was in school, I was (apparently) 'very quiet', 'disciplined' 'listens to teacher'. At least that's what the report-cards said! The remarks section always had a lot of good things to say about me. But obviously, those comments don't matter. It is all those single digit numbers written in red that do. Especially when the exam was out of 100. Following typical Pavlovian principle, the moment I see the bundle of corrected papers under my teacher's arm, I instantly imagine the blend of disappointment, frustration and exasperation on my parents faces, and that makes everything  that happens from then on taste like vinegar.
It was only after I grew my beard did I realize that studying could actually be quite engaging, and that it needn't only be a mad race to get good marks, but something you do because you love to think and wrestle with ideas. But in spite of that lofty thought, I did feel a little queasy when I collected my paper from the pigeon-hole today.
Thankfully I got the highest marks (along with 80% of the class). Apparently, they want to grade us liberally to make us feel confident. This particular person who got the same marks as me (and 70% of the class) said; "What must I do to get one mark more?" That threw me into a bout of emotional nausea. Aww... C'mon you! did you join theological studies so you'd top the class for the rest of the year? Did you join to compete? Seriously! Get a life! It's partly because I enough of this rat-race business that I'm into theology!
But upon further thought, I realized that I was kidding myself! My own emotional frustration rose from a primordial longing to top the class myself. May be it's all that frustration of coming last all these years! But on a more serious note, I love theology, (don't quote me on this yet) and campus life, (though that emotion still has nothing to do with the present campus) and hope to make the best of the two years ahead, in spite of the nagging fear of hitting the bottom of the class by the time the month is over.

Trivandrum

2006 July, found me in the back bench of a classroom at JNU watching a professor walk in to the class in absolute frustration. How much longer was I going to study? At that moment, I had vowed to not study further, ever.
2010 June finds me ready to start studying all over again. Not research, or correspondence, but actual class-room lecturing! I note - yet again (here's why) Never say never.
But this regret 'note to head' is one among many thought processes involved in the transition phase.
The next stage is the observation of the new situation. Right now, it's Trivandrum; part of Kerala, God's own country. The same place where I did my Std I to IV. The place brings back great memories of not having a care in the world, of me learning new things; how to play badminton, ride the cycle, whistle and juggle two balls; memories of a scary bullies who practised their new karate moves on you, and scarier malayalam teachers who gave me great insight on the fear of anticipation of punishment.
Kerala shares a lot of similarities with the state my family just moved from. West Bengal. Both states have a passion for rice, fish, football and communism, and for some reason, makes it much more pleasant to be in when compared to the other states like Delhi, Maharashtra and Tamil Nadu. Of course, the average speech volume in both states differ hugely. You'll have to ask the Mallus to repeat themselves while expensive seinheisser earphones are necessary to drown out the ambient noise in an average Calcutta mall.
Trivandrum, though the capital of Kerala resembles a big town. No KFC, Me D's, or any fundoo restaurant. There is a Cafe Coffee Day here, whose service and ambience leaves a lot to be desired. But Trivandrum does not disappoint a foodie. Especially a cheap foodie. A good dinner with Beef Fry, Chicken Curry, Parottas, Fried Rice, and a huge range of high-end ice-creams for dessert should make the pocket of the father of a family of four lighter by not more than Rs500. And to think I used to spend more than Rs600 for a dinner for two at the Pizza joint in Delhi!
Other than the abundance of the 'four-wheeler' (means beef... THE secret-word to avoid offending cow-worshippers - chickens are two wheelers. Mutton is referred two as meat. The guy who coined the word doesn't eat pork), the place has its cultural attractions, A huge palace with an attached museum, and an awesome open-air theatre. Of course, there isn't much money here, so you don't get the famous artists exhibiting. But there is always some celebration or the other that goes on.
In my opinion, Trivandrum is a great place to buy your retirement flat. It's quiet, very green, and slow, if you want it to be. The real estate prices, I don't think should be as high as a hill-station, though it feels like one, except for the snow. The weather is actually very moderate, with lots of rainfalls. You'll love it if you've lived in super hot or freezing cold Delhi all your life. Just that you'll have to deal with the humidity and a new, extremely complex language. The shouting and bossing around won't work here either.
I'm happy to be here after such a long time. I'll be leaving for bangalore in a few days. That will be another new experience altogether!

Short update..

Just vacated my place, and said bye to the landlord.. Have promised to keep in touch.. Moving everything from my place to A's took three tiring trips on the motorbike in the middle of a duststorm.. Will stay with A till day after..
Looking back, this move has been quite hurried, that i haven't been able to say goodbye to most friends properly; i feel it's because gravity of me leaving delhi for good hasn't sinked in.. May be it's because of all these last suppers i've been invited to! May be i might miss them after i've reached trivandrum, and am breathing easily..
Will write a more sensible post once i get to a computer!