I had made it a practise to fast every Saturday, from the time I get up, to 5.30pm. This good practise went off very well at first, and then began to get erratic. (That was around the same time I began to get my amnesia attacks) I suddenly would remember as I was half way through a samosa that it was Saturday, and I was not supposed to eat. The time of prayer I used to spend began to reduce rapidly, and I began to feel guilty for the same. Even that guilt went away soon enough, and I forgot that I ever fasted!
And as every Christian in his walk away from God gets some sense knocked into his head the hard way, I began to miss those times of fasting. Those were the times I used to be so close to God, talking with Him and feeling His love surround me and hold me close to Him.
So, last night, I decided that I would begin to fast again, and I also warned my mother that I won't be taking food during the day. Believe me, it wasn't easy... It's Christmas time now, and the whole dining room is decked with cakes of different flavors, smells, sizes and shapes. I would just look at them and move away, remembering my promise with God. I did pray and read a little bit of Christian literature, but it wasn't as close as it was before. But I definitely felt better today than any other day here.
The family function organized for the evening went off well too, and I was able to work well on that empty stomach. God has not forgotten me, and I thank Him for that. I didn't feast on the word of God, I admit, but this was a promising start.
Oh, and speaking of feasting, I did feast at Sangeetha Bhavan where we as a family went to for dinner. My stomach is so full, that it could burst. So much for 'putting a knife in your throat' to stop gluttony!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
What if i stumble?
"He told me of a young couple he had married some years ago who had represented to him every ideal worth emulating. They embodied excellence to the youth of the church. B0th were preparing to practice medicine and were on sizable merit scholarships. As he had driven away in his car after performing their wedding ceremony, my host (the pastor) had rehearsed in his mind the grand occasion it had been; in all his years of ministry he had not seen a more radiant couple. He thrilled at the prospect of all that lay ahead of them.
"But then, like a shattered dream, only a few months into the marriage came a dreadful awakening. In the predawn hours of a wintry night the pastor's telephone rang, and a distraught voice begged him to come. The caller, the young man of such promise, kept stuttering the words, "I think I've killed her! I think I've killed her!" The minister hastily dressed and rushed over to the couple's home only to find the young woman lying lifeless in her bed and the young husband sobbing inconsolably at her side.
"What had happened? What had brought about this tragedy? After a long time of prying and pleading, the story was finally uncovered. Some weeks earlier this young woman had discovered that she was pregnant. With years of study ahead, neither of them had wanted to start a family so soon. This sudden turn of events unsettled all their plans, driving them desperately in search of a solution. They considered every option. Finally, words escaped her lips that she had never dreamed she would utter. "This is completely devastating", she said. "There is no other way but to abort this child if our careers are to survive."
"The very suggestion opened a deep rift between them. They were both known on their campus for their outspoken conviction of the sanctity of the child's life in the womb. They fervently believed that each unborn child had a right all its own. Now circumstances beyond their control had invaded their absolutes; 'fate' had threatened their autonomy. Conviction clashed with ambition, and they agonized over a private decision they hoped would never be betrayed in public.
"This is when she proposed her final solution. "Let's do this at home," she said. "You bring all the equipment we need to the apartment, and no one need ever know." As a young medical student, he felt this could be accomplished, and so they nervously laid meticulous plans for that fateful night. The young man was not yet fully trained in the administration of an anesthetic, and as he stumbled through the procedure he unwittingly gave her a much larger dose than he should have. His greatest fear became a ghastly deed, and he lost her. In panicky moments that followed, with trembling hands and a cry of desperation he reached for the telephone and uttered those remose-ridden words. "Pastor, please hurry and come to our apartment. I think I've killed her!"
The preceding passage was taken from Ravi Zacharias' book, Deliver Us from Evil. Though Zacharias aimed at a different effect to this incident, I was forced to look into my own life. My spiritual life, during the past few weeks have not been going on well. What started as a slow drift has begun to accelerate into an uncontrollable backslide. My Christian discipline is at an all-time low, and there hasn't been anything good I have been doing. I am ashamed of my own behavior. Though, more than once I have promised myself that I would change for the better, too much of time has passed.
I am so grateful to God that he has been so gracious to me. I have slipped over my own vomit over and over again. I (for the umpteenth time) have broken free from that light yoke Christ gave me and am once again working for the deciever. I have compromised on my principles over and over again. However, for this young couple, the guilt of one step backward has cost a woman her life and her husband a life-time of regret.
The message that all good Christians have been trying to spread through their words and lives could be erased by one single slip. If you look at me, I've been slipping too many times for comfort. What a burden am I to my Lord?
The lyrics to this song by DC Talk gives me hope...
"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."
Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
You're up against a wall, it's about to fall
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
I hear You whispering my name [You say]
"My love for You will never change" [never change]
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my God
Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?
"But then, like a shattered dream, only a few months into the marriage came a dreadful awakening. In the predawn hours of a wintry night the pastor's telephone rang, and a distraught voice begged him to come. The caller, the young man of such promise, kept stuttering the words, "I think I've killed her! I think I've killed her!" The minister hastily dressed and rushed over to the couple's home only to find the young woman lying lifeless in her bed and the young husband sobbing inconsolably at her side.
"What had happened? What had brought about this tragedy? After a long time of prying and pleading, the story was finally uncovered. Some weeks earlier this young woman had discovered that she was pregnant. With years of study ahead, neither of them had wanted to start a family so soon. This sudden turn of events unsettled all their plans, driving them desperately in search of a solution. They considered every option. Finally, words escaped her lips that she had never dreamed she would utter. "This is completely devastating", she said. "There is no other way but to abort this child if our careers are to survive."
"The very suggestion opened a deep rift between them. They were both known on their campus for their outspoken conviction of the sanctity of the child's life in the womb. They fervently believed that each unborn child had a right all its own. Now circumstances beyond their control had invaded their absolutes; 'fate' had threatened their autonomy. Conviction clashed with ambition, and they agonized over a private decision they hoped would never be betrayed in public.
"This is when she proposed her final solution. "Let's do this at home," she said. "You bring all the equipment we need to the apartment, and no one need ever know." As a young medical student, he felt this could be accomplished, and so they nervously laid meticulous plans for that fateful night. The young man was not yet fully trained in the administration of an anesthetic, and as he stumbled through the procedure he unwittingly gave her a much larger dose than he should have. His greatest fear became a ghastly deed, and he lost her. In panicky moments that followed, with trembling hands and a cry of desperation he reached for the telephone and uttered those remose-ridden words. "Pastor, please hurry and come to our apartment. I think I've killed her!"
The preceding passage was taken from Ravi Zacharias' book, Deliver Us from Evil. Though Zacharias aimed at a different effect to this incident, I was forced to look into my own life. My spiritual life, during the past few weeks have not been going on well. What started as a slow drift has begun to accelerate into an uncontrollable backslide. My Christian discipline is at an all-time low, and there hasn't been anything good I have been doing. I am ashamed of my own behavior. Though, more than once I have promised myself that I would change for the better, too much of time has passed.
I am so grateful to God that he has been so gracious to me. I have slipped over my own vomit over and over again. I (for the umpteenth time) have broken free from that light yoke Christ gave me and am once again working for the deciever. I have compromised on my principles over and over again. However, for this young couple, the guilt of one step backward has cost a woman her life and her husband a life-time of regret.
The message that all good Christians have been trying to spread through their words and lives could be erased by one single slip. If you look at me, I've been slipping too many times for comfort. What a burden am I to my Lord?
The lyrics to this song by DC Talk gives me hope...
"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."
Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
You're up against a wall, it's about to fall
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
I hear You whispering my name [You say]
"My love for You will never change" [never change]
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my God
Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Locked in Boredom
It happens over and over and over again. Every time I prepare for my exams, the only thing that goes on in my mind are the things I need to do after the exams get over. Surprisingly, you finish these required things faster than you thought you would take.
I used to invent new games i would play during my summer vacation during when i was supposed to be preparing for the examinations prior to the vacation. However, once the holidays begin, i realize that after a few weeks of serious play, I got bored of those games. And every time, i would say to myself that I need to break this continuity as soon as possible, but here i am, stuck up in this circle of boredom again.
Life in JNU was great.. No matter how much I complain about how bad the college is, and how much the system stinks, it is a great place. With the JNUCF (JNU Christian Fellowship) and other things (like really cool friends) in my life, life in JNU was great fun! I realized that if two bored people who like fun sit down together, things can really liven up. (of course, not as much as when four fun people sit down together)
Well, now that I am at home, I have absolutely nothing to do. Actually, there are so many things that I can do, but the computer, and 'Friends' (My brother is downloading all 12 seasons of the series off the net) that doesn't let me do these things. And to think that I was actually planning to read a little bit of feminist literature! Even now, I don't know a single feminist thinker!!
So, I do realize that there are many things I can do to pass the time more meaningfully, productively and satisfactorily. Its just that I'm too lazy and do these things. Well, who said working hard cannot be fun? and who said that you can have fun just lazing around? I'm telling you man, it's driving me crazy!
I used to invent new games i would play during my summer vacation during when i was supposed to be preparing for the examinations prior to the vacation. However, once the holidays begin, i realize that after a few weeks of serious play, I got bored of those games. And every time, i would say to myself that I need to break this continuity as soon as possible, but here i am, stuck up in this circle of boredom again.
Life in JNU was great.. No matter how much I complain about how bad the college is, and how much the system stinks, it is a great place. With the JNUCF (JNU Christian Fellowship) and other things (like really cool friends) in my life, life in JNU was great fun! I realized that if two bored people who like fun sit down together, things can really liven up. (of course, not as much as when four fun people sit down together)
Well, now that I am at home, I have absolutely nothing to do. Actually, there are so many things that I can do, but the computer, and 'Friends' (My brother is downloading all 12 seasons of the series off the net) that doesn't let me do these things. And to think that I was actually planning to read a little bit of feminist literature! Even now, I don't know a single feminist thinker!!
So, I do realize that there are many things I can do to pass the time more meaningfully, productively and satisfactorily. Its just that I'm too lazy and do these things. Well, who said working hard cannot be fun? and who said that you can have fun just lazing around? I'm telling you man, it's driving me crazy!
Saturday, December 16, 2006
And i'm back..
Ok, it's been a while since i last posted. The past-time of blogging was rudely interrupted by pointless hours of writing assigments and preparing for vivas and exams... Not to mention those long hours of practise at the DCC. The Delhi Christian Chorus..
For those who read my blog regularly (I know I'm talking to myself), there will be a sudden spurt of posts in the next few days.. Mostly because i have nothing much else to do. (I'm on vacation, so i'm stuck here at home) , so there's ample of time to write about the happenings of the last month, and if i'm in the mood, i might put up some good stuff in it. The next few posts will have something about the DCC, JNU exams, and the Christmas fever..
For those who read my blog regularly (I know I'm talking to myself), there will be a sudden spurt of posts in the next few days.. Mostly because i have nothing much else to do. (I'm on vacation, so i'm stuck here at home) , so there's ample of time to write about the happenings of the last month, and if i'm in the mood, i might put up some good stuff in it. The next few posts will have something about the DCC, JNU exams, and the Christmas fever..
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