"He told me of a young couple he had married some years ago who had represented to him every ideal worth emulating. They embodied excellence to the youth of the church. B0th were preparing to practice medicine and were on sizable merit scholarships. As he had driven away in his car after performing their wedding ceremony, my host (the pastor) had rehearsed in his mind the grand occasion it had been; in all his years of ministry he had not seen a more radiant couple. He thrilled at the prospect of all that lay ahead of them.
"But then, like a shattered dream, only a few months into the marriage came a dreadful awakening. In the predawn hours of a wintry night the pastor's telephone rang, and a distraught voice begged him to come. The caller, the young man of such promise, kept stuttering the words, "I think I've killed her! I think I've killed her!" The minister hastily dressed and rushed over to the couple's home only to find the young woman lying lifeless in her bed and the young husband sobbing inconsolably at her side.
"What had happened? What had brought about this tragedy? After a long time of prying and pleading, the story was finally uncovered. Some weeks earlier this young woman had discovered that she was pregnant. With years of study ahead, neither of them had wanted to start a family so soon. This sudden turn of events unsettled all their plans, driving them desperately in search of a solution. They considered every option. Finally, words escaped her lips that she had never dreamed she would utter. "This is completely devastating", she said. "There is no other way but to abort this child if our careers are to survive."
"The very suggestion opened a deep rift between them. They were both known on their campus for their outspoken conviction of the sanctity of the child's life in the womb. They fervently believed that each unborn child had a right all its own. Now circumstances beyond their control had invaded their absolutes; 'fate' had threatened their autonomy. Conviction clashed with ambition, and they agonized over a private decision they hoped would never be betrayed in public.
"This is when she proposed her final solution. "Let's do this at home," she said. "You bring all the equipment we need to the apartment, and no one need ever know." As a young medical student, he felt this could be accomplished, and so they nervously laid meticulous plans for that fateful night. The young man was not yet fully trained in the administration of an anesthetic, and as he stumbled through the procedure he unwittingly gave her a much larger dose than he should have. His greatest fear became a ghastly deed, and he lost her. In panicky moments that followed, with trembling hands and a cry of desperation he reached for the telephone and uttered those remose-ridden words. "Pastor, please hurry and come to our apartment. I think I've killed her!"
The preceding passage was taken from Ravi Zacharias' book, Deliver Us from Evil. Though Zacharias aimed at a different effect to this incident, I was forced to look into my own life. My spiritual life, during the past few weeks have not been going on well. What started as a slow drift has begun to accelerate into an uncontrollable backslide. My Christian discipline is at an all-time low, and there hasn't been anything good I have been doing. I am ashamed of my own behavior. Though, more than once I have promised myself that I would change for the better, too much of time has passed.
I am so grateful to God that he has been so gracious to me. I have slipped over my own vomit over and over again. I (for the umpteenth time) have broken free from that light yoke Christ gave me and am once again working for the deciever. I have compromised on my principles over and over again. However, for this young couple, the guilt of one step backward has cost a woman her life and her husband a life-time of regret.
The message that all good Christians have been trying to spread through their words and lives could be erased by one single slip. If you look at me, I've been slipping too many times for comfort. What a burden am I to my Lord?
The lyrics to this song by DC Talk gives me hope...
"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."
Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
You're up against a wall, it's about to fall
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
I hear You whispering my name [You say]
"My love for You will never change" [never change]
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my God
Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?
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